Emotionally Unavailable

My name is Kelsey and I am emotionally unavailable.

It all started with Cyber-Cheater, or maybe even before that. The last six months of this relationship was spent in a downward spiral of unhappiness due to my finding his conversation with his ex-girlfriend. All in all a very ugly situation. By the end of it I had found him on sites proclaiming that he was single – so we made it a reality.

What this relationship taught me was to never to settle for someone because you’re lonely. We both got into this relationship because we missed having another person around. Little did we know, we were completely incompatible. I spent this relationship being belittled and judged for who I was: because he didn’t know who I was.

End of relationship. Beginning of being emotionally crippled with deep-rooted trust issues (and the trust issues go way further back than CC).

Begin a year and a half of mindless tinder dates/hook-ups with no dates. This 18 months was spent with me meeting guys and basically hooking up very uncomfortably; due to my lack of being able to put my guard down. As the hook ups continued my feeling of discomfort at touching someone I wasn’t close to grow. This discomfort was a direct manifest of my inability to emotionally connect with another human sexually. As my discomfort grew, so did my dissatisfaction with my sex life.

Looking back at some of the messages I sent during that year and a half, I am appalled at myself. Here I am, as always, a woman who loves sex – in these messages I’m flaunting it and flirting, which is fine, but when the time came to meet some of these men it fell flat. I became an emotionless robot. A sex doll.

My worst tinder experience, which will get its own post but I will allude to it now, ended with me fully shaken, and pissed off. I decided that I was done with the useless sex. None of these people. But the 18 months is not over yet.

Enter Her an app for girls who like other girls. I meet this girl. She is amazing; she’s smart, she’s funny, we have the same sense of humour. We quickly move off the app and onto texting, so quickly I don’t know where we went on our first date because the messages are gone. We met up and had a great date, coffee I think it was. Second date. Third. She invited me over to meet her new rescue cat and we watched a trilogy that we both loved. The extended edition. It ended so late that she invited me to sleep over.

During the movie she was sending me the clearest signals and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a move. I still couldn’t make a move when she cuddled up to me in her sleep. I couldn’t do it when she invited me for a house party. I could do it when I was drunk enough, I almost kissed her but I had spent the night fully feeling her way more flirtatious ex-girlfriend. Didn’t make a move. I couldn’t get past my wall. So it fizzled out. I get super sick; she offers to take care of me; I say no; it’s over.

Then there was the Master’s student. He had a cool deep quote on his Tinder bio and was the sweetest guy ever. We went on several dates and he had a car. I showed him around our city, even though he’d lived there for longer than I had. We were messing around in my room one day and he shared a secret with me and I decided not to push him too fast and we hung out in my backyard. I looked at him and couldn’t feel anything – I was numb to his kindness. He bought me a tub of ice cream and I never saw him again.

After the Masters student there was a Singaporean that I really enjoyed texting, but when the time came to meet, once again, there was nothing – I was numb again. After our date we went back to my place and basically got bored of each other and fell asleep. And we never spoke again.

Then, in comes my game changer. We went on our first date about a year ago, St. Patrick’s Day 2016. I’m just getting over my illness so I’m not partying on Ezra like all the other university students. He was a newly converted workaholic to someone who “wants to enjoy university”. We met for coffee and we talked. And it was amazing. The best first date ever. We left the coffee shop and just walked. And walked and talked for hours. We had dinner at a soup restaurant, because I told him I loved soup. He bought my coffee so I bought his soup; I called him out for trying to get into my pants by buying me liquids, he laughed and told me he couldn’t lie. It felt real and natural, like we’d been friends for a while. I enjoyed hearing his dorky laugh and his intelligent soft voice like a blanket being pulled over you during a nap. I sent him home after our date. We continued dating and basically becoming very good friends, with things eventually getting more serious. And then, in April, I left. We continued chatting intermittently. Neither of us are good with communication.

While I was working one day, I sent him a message to let him know I was thinking about him and I realised that I loved him. This was a guy who saw me for me. I started the date with no fronts. I went cranky after school one day and ended up being happy and it being 11pm.

I came back to my university town to graduate. I was there for a week with my family. I was supposed to be packing up my things, I spent the first few days ignoring my family, in bed with him. We had teary professions of love one day and my heart broke. I was moving to China. I couldn’t stay. His heart broke. We  continued on with our week. He left after a couple of days so I could pack.

A couple of months into China and maybe twelve messages between us since June, it’s December. I’ve just come back from Shanghai and I sent him a drunk message. He replied with this:

Funnily enough, I wasn’t to hurt. I understood what he was saying. I understood that I had fallen out of love with him.  We haven’t spoken since. Maybe we’ll meet up when I’m back, probably not.

Now I’m in China and I’m still using Tinder and Tantan, albeit with a significant decrease in the frequency of use. Any of the men I speak to I know I will never be with long-term; I’m too nice to them. They think there is only piece to my personality, kindness, and it’s exhausting. I’m stuck having polite meaningless conversations everyday.

But this is good because now I know what I want from a partner. I know what I deserve. No more interchangeable fuck boys. And if I never find a long-term partner? So what, I am happy fully functioning single woman.

However, I still need to work on myself. I’m still incredibly emotionally unavailable and probably will be for a while, but that’s all part of the fun 😉

Kx

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